SELF DISCOVERY

Bang!

The sound of the bullet leaving its chamber. The cold metal pierces through my head scrambling my skull, spluttering my brain on the dark alley wall. My eyes widen with the shock of my impending death when my body falls on the cold cement with a big thud. Coldness creeps through me, I try to say just one more word before I breathe my last, but all is lost as I chock ready to expire into the next world. That is it, I think. I wake up suddenly before the darkness envelopes my nightmare to find my silky sheets strangling me. I untangle myself from the mess. I was no stranger to waking up to this, yet it’s been long since I woke up like this. I believe this was triggered by the recent death of my lover.

Death.

Humanity’s greatest mystery. It always seems like a big secret that everyone has an idea of but does not what the real truth is. What we know of death is what we perceive and from our interactions with others. A Christian view is that only God knows. To me, it is just one of those riddles that we will get answers to the second we die, not a moment before. I have often wondered how my life would cancel itself. Whether it will be from natural causes, or by my own hand or from violence?

Someone once told me thinking of suicide means you are suicidal. I won’t deny that such thoughts have never crossed my mind. Suicide, another huge topic altogether. There are many different ways in which a person can take their own lives. I know this because some cleaver idiot wrote a book about it making me wonder what goes on in people’s minds. Didn’t this author know that he is making himself an accomplice to every suicidal act his reader does? I also wonder why no one has thought of suing him yet. Maybe it is because he is Australian and not American. If there is one country that loves suing, it is the United States of America. I think it is the only place in the world whereby a person can sue himself for money and get away with it.

There goes my mind again, wandering, visiting places I have no pass to in the first place. Back to death, my death in particular. For one, I never wanted to die of old age. I had seen people who had lived long and I didn’t desire it. Looking at them made me realize life runs in stages;

1. It all begins with one being silly and feeble minded,
2. Then one starts thinking they are two mature for anything,
3. Stage three, one actually being responsible and mature and acting like it,
4. And the final stage, you start being silly and feeble minded again.

Those who live long tend to act like babies, toddlers to be guided. I was thankful that I had gone through my toddler stage and sure didn’t want to go through that again.

From the way my life was not long ago, I did see myself dying like my memorable nightmare. Such dark macabre thoughts one would wonder coming from a lady. If you have walked my path, such thoughts would not be further from your mind too. I really don’t know what perfect word I should use to describe my life this far or what my name means. There are those who believe that names play a crucial role in ones life. I don’t know if mine influenced my life or not. I’m Lucky. My name is Lucky. I was born in a Kenyan slum and where else could this be if not in the beautiful city of Nairobi. It is from one of these slums that I was conceived, born and raised.

My father was literate but not educated. The furthest he went in schooling was finishing high school. His final grade wasn’t much, which meant his learning was cut short. An optimist, this didn’t hamper my father for he decided he could find a job to push him through, before getting into his long term plan which was business. The thought of running something he called his on was all he dreamed of. The job market was tough. In the end my dear father was hired as a watchman for some rich man. He wasn’t earning much but he had a place to stay and he could at least buy food. Life didn’t seem bad although there was one thing my dear dad did not count on and that was love – mankind’s weakness.

Father met mother and was foolish enough to fall in love with her. I don’t blame him because if you had met my mother you would have fallen in love with her. She was beautiful – I should know because I was blessed with her looks, because everyone who knew my mother says I do resemble her. A number of times when people actually though I was she. There was also the factor of me knowing how I easily turned heads.

Unlike my father, mother was not lucky with schooling. Yes she could write and she struggled to read. She had dropped out of school in primary when her parents died and she also didn’t have anyone to rely on. At the time my father met her she was working as a maid in the same area my father worked at. At that time mother was sixteen and father was twenty. I really don’t know or wanted to know the specifics of the courtship. All I know is that they fell in love and they married. No church wedding nor did they register with the District commissioner. They just decided they were married and according to common law that was enough. I was a result of this union.

Everything looked good for them but they didn’t seem to count on death. I was two when my father had the misfortune of dying in a matatu car crush. My mother was inconsolable. The only thing that cheered her was the fact that she had me. She went on working as a maid to provide for both of us. She put me in school stressing as how it was important. My mother wasn’t educated but she taught me a lot.

When she was alive, she was the center of my universe. She made sure I lacked for nothing, and that I did not feel alone or abandoned because my father was dead. Everything went on well for a while but yet again fate decided to play its hand again. Mother died when I was in my last term and last year of high school. Death caused by malaria. That is what her death certificate said. Maybe I should thank God that he waited that long before he took her since I can’t imaging what would have happened to me had it been sooner.

Her death was a blow. She was the only living relative I had. Just when I was at my lowest, Tom re-appeared with a whirl. Tom’s mother had been a neighbor and my mother friend. Can’t say I remember much about her. All I knew was about her was the fact that she was a single mother. She died when Tom was in his early teens, I was much younger then. With no one to care for him, mother invited him into our home. He moved in with us. It was peaceful at first before his strange behavior begun. Tom started disappearing, sleeping out. The rumors began in wake of this. Some said he had joined some gang. All sort of crime that happened was attributed to him. Mother wasn’t happy. She tried talking to him to no avail. With time his visits lessened then stopped. As young as I was, I knew my mother was troubled by Tom’s leaving but there wasn’t much she could do.

Tom took charge of the things I had no clue about. He arranged for the funeral and stood by me. He encouraged me to go back to school and do my exams. At the time, I needed guidance. I was glad for following his when I learned I passed my finals. I wasn’t a complete genius, but my grades weren’t bad. I got a B+. It was hard to get a scholarship with such qualifications but they were good enough to get me into university. Something I knew my parents would have been proud since I was fulfilling my dream and theirs too.

Waiting to go to university wasn’t fun or easy. I barely had the money to feed myself or pay my meager rent. The family my mother worked for had been kind enough to give me some money to push me through for awhile. Tom was now a constant visitor. Giving me support and keeping the loneliness away. I believe at first it was because he felt it was the least he could do in honor of my mother. This soon changed with the mutual attraction which developed into a romance.

I got to know Tom better. He was a private man; there was much of him that always seemed mystery. He also didn’t talk much but he didn’t fail to tell me what he did when I asked. As rumors go, there was a basis to it. Tom was a thug. It begun after his mother died. Tom joined a small time crew in the neighborhood. They did small things like pick pocketing, mugging, breaking and entering. As time passed, it was only natural that his appetite grew. With his intelligence, he became popular and soon he was running the crew. Under his leadership, they moved into the major leagues. At the time of my mother’s death, it was his criminal organization had grown under the guise of legitimate business they actually ran.

It didn’t take much convincing from him for me to move in with him. He said I needed change, I deserved better. I moved into his sanctuary as he called his house that not many knew about and we played house. I met his right hand man “Schwarz” a corrupt form of Schwarzenegger the actor turned governor. I never really got to know Schwarz really name who was all muscle and less brain. The good thing about him was that he was loyal and he quickly took a liking to me unlike some of Tom’s cohorts. One can not blame them. The man they looked up to and trusted had suddenly brought a new face into their group. None of them really knew me, guess they just didn’t know whether to trust me or not. Soon they begun opening up. It was like I had always been part of them.

College opened, I wanted to join. Tom once again stood by me saying that I had the right to fulfill my dreams. My tuition fee wasn’t a problem; the CDF (Constitution Development Fund) and the government could help me with that. As for other expenses, Tom was quick to provide. Even after knowing the source of his money, I was not ashamed to take it. I was now very much involved with Tom’s life, there were no secrets between us. I confess that there was once or twice I helped them out. Tom only had one rule when he let me in, to never be at the front line of whatever they did. I was okay wit that. When asked once by someone in his crew why he let me present whenever they met, Tom told them that it was because I was the only woman who would ever understand him. After such statement, it was not surprising what happened when I was in my second year of college.

Tom’s gang had just robbed a bank; it hadn’t been a success yet there was also a loss with two of his men being killed during a shoot out with the police as they were getting away. While they were dividing everyone’s cut, I left the dingy room for a smoke plus I didn’t think I was needed. I had just stepped out when I felt the pressure of a gun on my temple.

“Just the person I want. This must be my lucky day!” The man behind the voice laughed amused at his own twist of word. The voice was familiar.

“What can I do for you Philo?” I said with confidence though I could literally feel my heart shrinking. Philo was part of the crew though he had not joined them in the latest escapade. I didn’t know the specifics why and I didn’t ask. Philo was never forth coming so I never bothered chatting with him before.

“Ahh, sweetheart. There is much you can do. With you in danger, your boyfriend would do anything I ask him to do. Now I would ask you very nicely to move towards the car very slowly,” he said increasing the pressure of the gun.

This situation was ridiculous to me. Being kidnap was never something I had ever imagined of. “Pointing the gun isn’t going to get you anything. Tom is a reasonable man you should talk to him about whatever-”

I fell silent when I felt Philo unhook the trigger’s safety. “Not another word!” We were halfway toward the car when I heard Schwarz calling my name. Philo froze bringing me to a halt. Schwarz’s cussed loudly and shouted for Tom. Soon everyone from the room spilled into the alley.

“You alright honey?” Tom’s voice was calm.

“Yeah,” I said despite the chills I felt. I was very much afraid because I knew there were many guns pointed in Philo’s direction, my direction. To this day, I can’t say I remember what happened next. One moment, Tom was trying to reason with Philo when I heard the bang, the hiss of the bullet passing by my ear and into Philo’s head. He was dead before he hit the ground.

“Did I miss much?” Johnny asked putting his recently fired gun back into its holster. He had appeared from the direction of the car. Johnny was a corrupt cop who was more in the crew. He was on his way to collect his cut just in time to save the day.

“Nothing much” Tom said as he thanked him and walked towards me still frozen at the spot. “Come, let’s go home.” Was all Tom said before he dragged me away from the corpse. It’s that event that brought the birth of my nightmares, the birth of all my fears, the birth to the end our relationship. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think, I felt dead. I couldn’t stand Tom, I wanted out.

One morning, I went for class as usual and never went back home. I lodged with one of my college friends for a while. I fell to drink, I fell to pleasure. I met the beautiful, sophisticated and moneyed Ruth. A senior student who showed a lot of interest in me. I didn’t know at first that she was recruiting. Ruth was a mistress and proud of it, she loved herself and anything else that promised prestige and glitter. There was a rich married business man Ruth knew who needed a kept woman. At first I resisted then I remembered that I was getting broke with no source of money. The only way out of it was by moving backwards instead of forward. Tom had shown me the good side of life and I needed to maintain that.

There was no way I was going back to the slum where everyone seemed hungry and angry. The slum brought the worst of people like it did to this guy I knew in passing - Can’t say I remember his name. Anyway, this guy had a frustrating life so much that his brain couldn’t function anymore. He was bordering suicide. From what I heard, he and some other idiots were paid to riot by some politicians. They guy did it and got killed in the process. Killed for what exactly; no one knows nor do people remember his name. We just remembered that he was killed all because he was paid peanuts to do something stupid. One lesson I learned from his experience was you should never let a politicians convince you into doing something for him. You can do that if you are looking for a quick passport to the afterlife. With such thoughts, I agreed to Ruth’s proposition. She introduced me to the business man, Duncan.

Duncan got me an apartment, a car and an endless supply of money all in the name of having a beautiful woman who wasn’t his wife by his side. I would not try and pretend that I understood his kind yet I was not about to question or complain. I followed Ruth’s advice by playing it smart. For every money Duncan gave me, I secretly saved some. Life was looking up. It wasn’t long though before I discovered his dark side. Duncan was a violent man who seemed to like taking it out on women. He showed me this one day when he beat me up. I could not take it. I tried to leave but he somehow found out and beat me up again and monitored my every movement. Once again I hit it low in life. No once could help me. It was a grave I had dug for myself. In desperation I called Tom though I didn’t have the courage to speak when he picked up. I cut the connection and didn’t pick up when he called back. A week later, Duncan was kidnapped. He went missing for a number of days and when he appeared, Duncan was a changed man. He became skittish and paranoid especially when around me. I ceased to hold any appeal to him. He told me I was to stay in the flat for six more months, he told me to keep the car. He stopped visiting.

It didn’t take me long to add it all up. Tom was behind it. Ever since I left Tom, I had always heard a feeling I was being watched. If I needed prove here it was. My deduction was that my call had sprung him into action. I knew that would forever have me watched and would only interfere if I was in need. I didn’t exactly send him a thank you card. I sent him a present saying I thought it was something he needed. At the time Duncan left, my bank account was looking pretty good. I finished college. With the money I started a business. I had a hair salon that was doing well but I had gotten a taste of easy money and couldn’t resist going back in the game. This time I caught myself a politician. Yes I remembered what I said about politicians. I got into this relationship with my eyes wide opened. I wasn’t going to let him convince me into doing anything for him. Peter was a famous politician with children a bit older than I was. I’ll admit that I had some affection for him. He treated me as a queen. During my duration with him, I grew. My business expanded. I open two more chains of my hair salon. Peter bought me a house. Finally I had a place I could call home. Everything seemed fine though truth be told, it was not. Deep down I wanted what most women wanted. I wanted love, I wanted children yet I also knew I could never have that with Peter. Life can never be perfect. Not long ago, I got a call from Peter’s friend. Peter was dead.

“That is sad!” I thought to say. I didn’t see any reason as to why I should break my daily routine. Later I met up with Ruth and toasted to the kind generous man who had looked for love in the wrong places.

It was that night that the nightmare recurred. I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen to fix myself a drink. The thought of death, of my life got me thinking hard. I could not continue living the way I was. I wanted more and I was the only person who could get me what I wanted. I needed a plan. I fell asleep that night in the living room with the television on. Partly because I was scared of going to bed alone for the first time in years, the other reason was because my mind was still devising a plan. There was only one person I could think of and who fit with my plan perfectly.

“Hello. It is Lucky” There was a pause on the other end of the phone after my announcement. My bet was that the other person was not expecting my call. It was two days after my nightmare and this call was to determine my next move in life.

“Hello Lucky. How are you?” hearing Tom’s voice warmed me.

“I am fine. Could I see you today?” I asked.

“Are you sick? Do you have a problem?” I could hear his underlining panic. It made me smile.

“Nothing is wrong. I just need to see you soon,” I said.

“I’m kinda busy,” Tom wasn’t going to make it easy.

“Oh… I was hoping I could talk to you about something.” I made myself sound depressed.

“I could make time this evening,” he said after a pause, “where should we meet?” I suggested my place. He accepted and rung off without asking for directions. I wasn’t surprised. He didn’t need to ask because he knew where I lived.

My door bell rung at exactly seven. I let it ring one more time. I didn’t want to appear over excited belying the fact that I had been preparing myself ever since the phone call. I opened the door and there stood the man my heart always sung for. Our eyes met with the ever present fire between us.

“Schwarz?” I managed to ask. There was no way Tom would go anywhere without his constant shadow.

“Gone to do some errands,” Tom explained. Truthfully, I was not really interested in Schwarz especially now when my mind only had one thought. It had been years, our bodies were calling to each other. I quickly closed the door; we barely made it to my bedroom.

“Nice room.” Tom said between puffs from his cigarette. He had retrieved his abandoned trouser from the floor, pulled out a cigarette and lay sprawled on my bed.

“Thanks. I did the interior design my self.” I said.

“Rented?” It was not really a question. It sounded more like he needed a confirmation.

“No.” I said.

“Your lover’s?” There was some anger in the question.

“It is in my name. I bought it with his help.” I simply said.

“Sounds like a generous man.” He said dryly.

“He was. He is dead.” I said knowing very well that he knew that.

“My condolences. Did you kill him?” I couldn’t resist bursting out in laughter at that. The thought of it was ludicrous.

“It was a heart attack. The last I saw him was two weeks before his death.” I clarified. Peter had died while he was with his family for some vacation thank God.

“Are you hungry? I have prepared your favorites for dinner.” I changed the subject. I really didn’t want to talk about Peter.

“Why did you call me here?” Tom cut into the matter. He never liked dilly dallying.

“I wanted to see you.” I had to trend carefully.

“Well here I am.” Tom was not going to make it easy.

“After some thinking, I have come to realized that I have done some mistakes that I am not proud of. I have realized that I need to make some changes in my life. I need what makes me happy. In plain words, I want you back.” There it was. I had stripped myself bare for him.

“Just like that?” I could tell that Tom was taken aback. He might have had a clue on what would go down but he hadn’t though it would be this way.

“Yes just like that.” I said.

“You… You bitch” Tom was clearly not amused. He got up and stared pacing like a caged animal.

“I could be a bitch, call me that will not stop you for being what you are. You created me. We are in the same family with you being the Alpha dog. You and I are not very different as you once said.” I said unfazed by his outburst.

“That was years ago and I was clearly wrong like you proved by leaving.” Tom’s voice was slightly raised.

“Yes I left. My reasons then were muddled. All this does not change the fact that we are more or less the same. You steal from the rich; my target is also the rich. I agree that our methods are the only things that make us different. I have also stolen. I have taken away from other women their husbands’ love for my own gain.” There was no way I could sugar coat it for myself.

“That’s just it. I know and I accept what I am but unlike you, I do not use my body to get what I want.” Tom raged on calling me all sort of names he could think of. I sat there and took it all in. I was seeing what I had done for the first time from his point of view. I had hurt Tom badly. Nothing in the world could change that and I deserved everything he said and maybe more but I was not going to give up easily.

“I’m sorry.” Was the only thing I could say after he had exhausted himself. He threw his hand up in frustration and sat on the bed.

I do not know what you could call this situation. There we were seated on the bed, each of us facing opposite wall thinking what the next step would be.

“Would you like to have the dinner now?” I asked. I never could stand silence.

“Food? Now? Are you serious? Why are you insisting on the food? Is it poisoned?” Tom turned towards me.

“Jesus Christ!” I stood up in anger. “Am I capable of poisoning? And even if I was do you think I would poison you of all people?” I knew he had the right to think the worst of me, but poison was taking it beyond.

“Oh, seat down” Tom said.

“Not until you apologize for what you said.” I stood my ground.

“Excuse me?” Tom was taken aback. “You’re crazy. I am beginning to wonder what I ever saw in you,” he went on.

“The same thing has dawned to me too,” I was still angry though I wasn’t sure what the true source of my anger was.

“There must be something sweetheart, or else I won’t have been here at this moment.” Tom could not resist smiling. His macho ego kicked in. Tom always thought highly of himself.

“You must have also seen something or else you won’t have come.” I threw back at him.

“Are you trying to turn the tables on me?” Tom frowned. I shrugged as I heard him mutter “unbelievable” under his breath. “Tell me. How did you picture this going down?” Now his curiosity took over.

“I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I was banking on the fact that we could discuss the matter.” I sat down seeing that we were back to the main topic and there was no hopes of Tom apologize soon.

“What’s there to discuss?” Tom asked.

“It depends on your response. If your answer is no then there is nothing to discuss, however if you agree then I believe there is much to discuss.” I said.

“I’m listening.” Tom gave the go ahead.

“Oh, okay!” I was a bit taken back. I hadn’t expected to have to reach this far in the conversation so soon.

“Well? What is it?” Tom probed.

“I have one problem.” I began.

“What is it?” He was never a patient man.

“I want Evelyn gone. I have shared before and I didn’t mind it then but I draw a line when it comes to you.” I blunted out. Evelyn was Tom’s current lover. I knew quite a lot about her. There had been together for almost two years but she didn’t live with him, and she didn’t know what Tom did. She thought that he was a hard working business man.

“How do you know about her? Have you been spying on me?” Tom sounded a little amused.

“Just returning the favor.” I said with a smile.

“Does this mean that I have spies in my organization?” Tom asked more seriously.

“If I knew of anyone damaging to you, I would have told you ages ago.” I said and I knew he believed me.

“How will you know if I truly let her go?” Tom asked.

“I have my sources. I know of her now, I will know if she is still in the picture.” I said confidently.

“You were always good at getting information. I won’t be surprised if you have your own spy network” Tom said.

“You used to say that.” The memories brought a smile on my lips. When we were together, Tom was always amazed by the fact that I easily obtained information on anything I or he wanted.

“Is that all?” Tom inquired standing up. This was one of the longest discussions he had ever had.

“One more thing.” I said with hesitation.

“I am beginning to regret why I asked you to speak. I will soon develop a headache” He grumbled. “Go on.” He signaled with his hand.

“If we are going to stay together, I need nuptials this time.” I let out the second bomb of the day.

“Have you lost your mind? Next you will be telling me to change my lifestyle.” Tom raised his voice. I guess to him it sounded like I wanted him to change.

“Calm down, would you? I have always known who you are. I will never ask you to change who you are for me that is a promise I’ll make to you.” I said. I was being truthful by saying that. Though I won’t lie and say I was happy that he was in organized crime.

“There is no way I will parade myself in front of people in the name of marrying.” Tom said with emphasis.

“Don’t worry. I wasn’t thinking of doing that to you.” I said. The thought of doing all that was not appealing to me too. All I wanted was for us to legally be husband and wife.

“You have lost me. I don’t think I get what you are saying.” Tom frowned.

“It’s ok. I will explain it another day.” I laughed following his example by dressing. My heart felt much lighter now.

“I have a question of my own.” Tom asked as I finished dressing.

“Shoot.” I said happily.

“Had I stormed out in response what would you have done?” Tom inquired. It was one of his greatest strengths wanting to know what was on both sides of the coin. I didn’t answer right away. What I was about to say was not going to be to his liking.

“In our time together I believe that I got to learn much about you. I am proud of the fact that aside from yourself, I am the only one who knows what makes you tick. It has been awhile I know but I know you haven’t changed.” I pause.

“Then you know I hate waiting.” Tom threatened and I ignored his comment.

“I went to see my doctor today. According to her, the possibility of me conceiving today is very high.” My eyes diverted from Tom’s eyes to the bed.

“What?” Tom shouted. I looked into his eyes and held his gaze. His eyes widen as the realization of what I had said sunk in.

He cussed very loudly, and then muttered other cusses under his breath as he paced around with rage. It was intimidating. I wanted to duck out of the room but I didn’t want him to see me as a coward. Suddenly, he stopped pacing and stared at me. He was looking at me as though he was seeing me in a new light. Then he did the unexpected. He threw back his head and gave a deep gut felt laugh.

“Remind me never to underestimate you in the future.” He said after a long while. “I think I will have that dinner now. My favorite you said? I have to admit I missed your cooking” Tom made it for the door.

“Come on, what are you waiting for?” He asked seeing that I was rooted to the spot.

“I…. Are you…” I was at loss of words. His reaction was a surprise.

“What? Have you changed your mind? I thought your aim was to have me back?” Tom asked.

“It is just that I though you would be really mad after what I said.” I said honestly.

“Let’s just say that you are lucky it is you and no one else telling me that.” Tom said. I get it now. I meant greatly to him therefore I could get away with much. “I believe all this talking has made me hungry. Could we get to the kitchen?" Tom extended his hand towards me with his melting smile. It was a smile that not many people saw.

The affection I had once known was back in his eyes. I confidently took his hand and led his to my kitchen. At that very moment I become sure of many things. For one, I knew that I would not have any nightmares that night. I was never again going to think up of ways to die, or other suicidal thoughts. There was no way for me to know for sure that my brain will not splutter on a cold pavement one day. What I was now praying for was dying in my bed. With Tom by my side old age didn’t seem to bother me anymore. This had been a journey, and I have finally discovered myself, who I was, and who I would be. The future was bright. I felt like screaming, “Hey everyone, this is me. I am Lucky!”

RECKLESS PT2

Saturday

Sleep deserts me. I hold back a whimper. My body feels thoroughly misused. Jesus..! I hurt badly. I close my eyes and try to feel every muscle, every bone. It takes my addled brain a moment to pinpoint the source of the pain. Both my head and stomach hurt. The headache is not an issue. I have master the art of sleeping through a headache since many of my mornings were plagued by them. My abdomen on the other hand is burning. The sensation is not new. Unlike my headaches, my stomach aches are crippling. “God!” I cry out coiling into a ball as I try to figure out the cause of the stomachache.

Such pain could only mean two things;

1. My ulcers were bleeding or
2. I was simply very hungry.

Shit! I push my beddings away and crawl towards the medicine cabinet as the ache intensifies. I grimace as I open the cabinet. The place is messy with all sorts of medicines some of which were past the expiration date. I hurriedly sort through them, looking for something for my ulcers and painkillers. I unconsciously grab a roughly cello taped bottle which I quickly toss to the back. I wonder how it got at the front. The bottle is there to be remembered, but not touched since it reminded me of the dark days that I try to forget. I give myself a mental shake to push away the glimpse of the past that flashes in my mind.

Locating what I’m searching for, I place the tablets in my hand before tossing them in my mouth. Getting back on the bed, I take a swig of yesterday’s vodka. My eyes dart to the bedroom door expecting to see you. You always have a bad habit of popping up whenever I did something you deemed wrong. I take another swig and smile. It seems like you are late today. I finish the vodka then drag myself to the nearest kiosk. The shopkeeper pulls out my vodka as I get to the counter. I didn’t know whether to frown or smile at the look on her face when I ask her to add a packet of milk and some bread to the vodka.

“Do you want eggs too?” I hear the surprise in her voice. I could not blame her. To her I did nothing but kill my liver with alcohol.

I hesitated a little before I say no. Eggs are tempting but I do not think I have gas or kerosene to light a fire. As I pay my bill, I contemplate whether I should pass by a café and get some eggs. The craving wins out. I get back to the house with enough food to feed four people.

Piling some of the food on a plate, I look around as I take a seat; you are still nowhere to be seen. I guess I should rejoice you are not here. I snort at the thought. It seems like you are waiting for my sins to pile up before springing on me. You are never there to cheer me on. I push you out of my head as I hungrily devour the food. My empty stomach protests as the food touches it’s lining, and then clamps up after ten spoons.

I push the plate away with disgust. My stomach is telling me to stick to what I am used to in its own way. I make a joint from Skinny dude’s weed and open up the new bottle of vodka then get comfortable on the sofa. I zone out with the only sound in the room coming from the swishing vodka and puffed smoke. My idyllic moment is lost when you walking into the room. Our eyes meet and hold. My eyes dare you to say something. For once, you hold your tongue, but your eyes speak volumes. I look away as memories soon unlock themselves darkening my mood.

I am a victim of circumstance. I was not always like this. I was once full of joy, full of hope, full of life. Everything in my life seemed to be on the right path. I had great friends, great house and a great career. The only thing missing in my life was a man. I needed a man to fill the void that only a man could. I socialized to get one. I dabble with dating. No one seemed to fit, well not until I met him. He seemed perfect. He dazzled me with his charm and gifts. Never had I ever seen such devotion. He was in everyone’s opinion Mr. Right and I was to agree with them.

Wanting my fairy tell, I agreed to move in with Mr. Right. He appeared agreeable and took over responsibilities that any other spouse would do. I fell deeply in love. Mr. Right soon convinced me to quit my job saying that he earned enough to take care of both of us. He wanted a housewife, a woman who could be home to take care of his future children. He did not want a stranger raising his children. How could I say no to that? Here was a man who was looking at the future. His views called to my traditional heart that believed a man was the sole breadwinner.

Everything was dreamy at first until my perfect Mr. Right soon turned to a flawed Mr. Wrong. He wanted a stepford wife. Everything from my makeup, clothing, cleaning and cooking was to be faultless. His ego was unfathomable. He always had to be correct. He thought he knew everything. Jesus..! He even controlled how much pleasure I was entitled to during sex. Mr. Wrong believed there should be punishment for every mistake, no matter how little.

I was speechless the first time he hit me. He later put a slight dent in his bank account buying me gifts to apologize profusely for his mistake. He even cried. The tears touched me. Foolish I know, but I believed him. I mean the handsome man could not be the monster that I had had a glimpse of. It did not take long for me to realize my bad judgment.

The hospital and I become best buddies, my jewelry collection increased. I gradually began to lose my friends. I did not want to explain the bruises, black eyes or broken limbs. I did not want them to see how low I had gone. It was during that period that you came into my life, whispering comforts and encouragement. You were my own personal angel. I relied on you. You become my best friend.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months as I dwelled in anguish. I soon fell pregnant. Not surprising since he had gotten me off the pill. I was unsure how he would take the news. One could never tell with his moods. Something could please him at one moment, only for it to be repugnant in the next. To say that his reaction surprised me is an understatement. He rejoiced to the news. He bought me a dress with matching jewelry and took me out for dinner, something he had not done in a long time.

It’s like the pregnancy news transformed him. He made sure I ate well and took me to the best gynecologist he could find. We were both ecstatic when we learned we were going to have a boy. I thought to name the baby Joshua because he seemed to be my salvation. I was happy for once in a long time. I enjoyed the newly acquired attention. I did not listen to you when you told me to be careful. That was my second strike in bad judgment.

The beatings started again. He was careful at first, aiming for anywhere but my abdomen. You gave me a reality check. Telling me it had to stop. Telling me how I had Joshua to think of. This time I listened. I thought of my unborn child. I could not think of bringing him to my hell. We formulated a plan, you and I. It was a great plan, but we both failed to consider the stupid pot of over cooked potatoes that changed everything.

The pieces were falling into place yet I grew jumpy as the days approached. My nerves were on overdrive. Luckily, Mr. Wrong didn’t seem to notice any difference in my behavior. I blame my nerves for everything that happened that fateful evening. Mr. Wrong had come home early while I was counting the impressive money I had accumulated from selling some of the jewelry. Hearing his voice, I quickly hid the money and rushed to welcome him home. I kept wondering if I had hidden the money properly as I cooked supper. The potatoes got slightly over cooked as my mind wandered. I decided to serve the potatoes anyway since I knew he would punish me for giving him late dinner.

What happened next will always be blurry in my mind. I remember him complaining about the potatoes and me saying they were fine. I remember the first blow that knocked me off my seat. He was all over me, he would not stop. I cried and begged him to mind our child. He would not listen. He would not stop. He repeatedly kicked my abdomen. I would never forget the sharp pain, the blood dripping down my thighs as I lost Joshua. A raw primeval sound emerged from me as I screeched for my child, calling for him over and over before I passed out.

Losing my little savior was the last straw to my sanity. I remember waking me up in a hospital bed minus my child. I remember Mr. Wrong blaming me for lose as soon as we got home. I felt hollow. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Joshua was all I thought of. I accidentally on purpose swallowed a great number of pills one morning. It’s unfortunately that Mr. Wrong thought to save me. He could not do without his own personal punching bag.

I introduced myself to alcohol and any drug to fill the void. It was then that your encouraging words changed to criticism, your smile turned into a constant frown. Yes, I had changed. I was not the same. I could no longer taste, I could not feel. I no longer felt Mr. Wrong’s blows. Something else was born from deep inside me. An eye for an eye, death for death. I plotted his downfall. It took me awhile to decide just how I wanted it. Drugging him seemed reasonable. The more I wanted to get high, the more I learned about drugs. I easily obtained what is now cello taped in my cabinet. You were there when I started drugging him. You tried to stop me. I guess you did not try enough.

The process took weeks. I watched and waited patiently for the signs begun. It started with the excruciating stomach aches, the volatile vomiting followed, and then confusion set in – he thought you were going insane. I was present as he looked for medical treatment. I tried not to smile when he was given the wrong medication. I knew his days were numbered when his skin discolored. Ironically, his final moment came during dinner. I had watched as his lungs failed him, smiled sweetly as he had grasped for breath. He had suffered the way I believed my Joshua had. My smile widened at the astonished look on his face. It dawned on him in those last moments that I had taken his life. Revenge was indeed sweet.

No one suspected his death. His funeral was not attended by many. Only family was present, his side of family. I did not make it to the funeral. Many believed I was distraught when I was actually drinking myself into a stupor. Then Darkness set in. Time was no longer important. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned to hours, hours into days, days into months, and months into years. I could not tell how much time had passed. All I knew was Mr. Wrong’s death was in vain since my Joshua was still gone.

A sound of a child’s laughter diffuses the memories, bringing me back to the present. I stagger to the window in search of the sound. Tears come in full force as I watch the child playing. That child could have been Joshua. The hole in my heart expands. I miss my unborn baby. I want my little savior badly. I feel you hand reaching out to comfort me.

“Leave me alone” I shrug off your hand in rage. I do not want comfort. I want to feel. I want to love and be loved. I want to have felt my child in my arms.

You safely step back at the look in my eyes. You have seen me like this before. You know what happens next. A rampage. I release a scream, grabbing and throwing everything in my path. You stand safely away from flying objects. My episode is done in a few minutes. Breathing hard, I look around me to see the damage. I have done a number on the room yet I do not feel sedated. For the umpteenth time, I wondered why I am still alive when all I want is to join my baby.

I need to drown my sorrows. I need a drink; I look around to find my vodka bottle lying on the ground broken. “Shit! What a waste?” I murmur as I stare at the bottle and the spilled liquor. There is glass all over the floor. An idea sparks in my mind. I look at the broken glass with new eyes. No, it was not a complete waste. I vaguely hear you call my name sharply as I lean to pick a piece of broken glass. Grasping the glass in my right hand, I turn to face you. Your eyes are rounded in disbelief. It seems like you have read my mind. I smile. My eyes dare you to stop me as I slash my left wrist.

Sunday…

RECKLESS PT1

Friday

Happiness. Bliss. Ecstasy. What else can one ask for? I am content with life at this very moment. No one who can beat the huge smile plastered on my face, not even you. Yes, I know you are there. I can’t miss you. You are standing right next to me wearing an amused look. Hold on… No, you don’t look amused. I squint and try to look at you through the haze. A smile touches my lips. You seem wobbly. I can’t seem to focus on you. Would you stop moving? Good. I can now see your face now. I was wrong, actually I was right the second time. You are not amused. You are fuming.

God..! You are such a prude. Look at the frown you are wearing. What? No words today? Never mind. I don’t need to hear the words since I know what you want to say. I have heard it all before. You do nothing but judge. When have you ever said a word of encouragement? It’s always the same words, “stupid, moron, loser, failure, drunkard, crack head”. The list is endless. A fit of giggles attack me as I revisit the names that you have ever called me. None of them are ever pretty.

My giggles come to a stop once I realize you are no longer there. I look around in panic. Shit! Where was I? Nothing looks familiar. Not even the man lying next to me. He takes a drag from the newly lit blunt blowing smoke in my direction before passing it to me. I take my turn. Inhaling it deeply, my lungs expand. I close my eyes to the sensation. I voice my thoughts. “Where the hell am I?”

“My place.” The man next to me answers like I am expected to know where on the map his place is.

“How did I get here?” I give him a proper look. He is a little attractive if you are into the skinny-dorky kind of guy. I wasn’t. Well, I think I am. I screw up my face. I cannot seem to remember what my type of man is. My eyes, duck back to him. I take in his clothing. They were in disarray. I look at mine. Shit! It looks like the joint was not the only thing I had shared with skinny dude.

“You must be high, girl.” He gives a crackly-raspy laugh.

I did not dispute him. I feel loaded. A smile touches my lips. A vague memory of him and I shooting up through our veins came to mind.

“You come looking for a gun, remember.” He goes on.

Gun. It comes back to me. I needed a gun badly. My search for a gun brought me to skinny dude. Skinny dude didn’t do guns, but he had something else I needed. It explained a lot. I stand up grabbing the arm-rest for support as I stumbled.

“Where you going?” He asks seeing me trying to gather my things.

“Home.” I pull on my pants, zip it. Grab the handbag and slug it across my shoulder. I didn’t have to look for my t-shirt or jumper since I was still wearing them. I had managed to keep some of my clothes on while we screwed.

“Sure you will get there okay?” Not that he cares. I can tell from the tone of his voice.

I don’t bother to answer as I head to what I hope is the door that leads out. I am getting sober a state I did not like.

“Hey. Sugar” Skinny dude calls as I reach for the handle. “Catch. You earned it.” He tosses something towards me.

My hand quickly reaches out and I catch it. It’s a small wrapping. I do not have to look for I know it was. Coke. It was not much but it could keep me through the night. I would need more soon. I murmur my thanks.

“See you soon” Skinny gives me crooked smile.

“Asshole!” I think as I walk out of his house. He knew I will be back for more and was banking on that fact. I should have told him to go screw a pig but I didn’t want to burn this bridge. Well, not until I had sorted everything out.

I get lost three times before I finally get the right road home. It’s late when I get there. I don’t know the time since I don’t own anything that tells time. I got rid of all of them. The only reason I know today’s date is because I passed some newspaper vendors before I met Skinny.

My stomach grumbles. I need to eat. I walk to the fridge and open it. The light stares back at me. The fridge was empty. It should not be surprising since I don’t remember the last time I stocked up the fridge. I shut the fridge. I toy with the idea of buying take out. I mentally calculate the amount of money I have on me. I could afford a pack of fries yet I did not have the energy to walk to a fries joint.

“Screw it.” I think as my eyes fall on a bottle of vodka I had bought the night before. Who needed food when I have coke and vodka? I gather everything and head to my bed. I get high in less than an hour.

The peaceful feeling is back. I smile then laugh with joy. I spring off the bed. I want to celebrate. I want music. I turn to where my radio is and frown in disappointment. I no longer have the radio. I sold it. That is where I got the money to buy the vodka. You are right. I am such a moron. I should not have sold the radio. I loved the radio. It kept me sane. I should have sold the microwave or fridge first. I did seem to need them much.

I slouch back on the bed. All was not lost. I still have my vodka. I take swig spilling some of it on the bed. I look up to see you standing over me. You are back. Christ! You can never let me be. You are always there. Breathing down my neck “What do you want?”

I repeat the question when you do not answer. I turn my neck your way when you still don’t answer. I seem to be all alone. There is no one else in the room. I frown. Was I imagining you? I shake my head to clear it. I give the room another quick look and turn up with nothing. This was happening more and more of late. I kept seeing people only for them to disappear in the next moment.

I am going insane. I press my head into the pillow and let out a heartbreaking sob. I hate this. Everything was falling apart. Nothing made sense anymore. I am so tired. I am exhausted with everything. I failed in everything I tried to do. I need to do something. I finally got the answer. That is why I went to look for a gun. See. I am not entirely useless. I can make decisions. True, I failed to get the gun today but it is not the end of the world. I will try tomorrow. If I failed once again, I will move down to plan B. All was not lost. Tomorrow might be brighter. I take a deep breath as I feel a spark of hope rising from my breast. I wipe my tears as my sobs subside. I close my eyes. I fall into a stupor.

Saturday...